Monday, July 25, 2011

A Mercenary's Price (Final Draft)


Esrek gazed out into the campsite. A damp-dirt smell filled the night – normally a good omen for a plentiful harvest. But there were thousands of men moving through the sea of tents. They were more like ghosts instead of soldiers: silently deserting.
“Where are they going, Troeg?”
“They’re leaving … to fight for them.” Troeg replied, never lifting his gaze from his hands. He was caressing his dark-blue uniform: the colors of the Kingdom of Kanta.
Esrek was silent. An emptiness formed right above his stomach.
“The surviving scout reported that the enemy has …” He paused, “thousands of swordsmen, hundreds of cavalry, and eleven sorcerers.”
A knot formed in Esrek’s throat. “S-sorcerers?”
“Warlocks. Five times more deadly.” Troeg extended his arms as if to drop his uniform. He closed his eyes. Then he threw it to the ground.
“What are you doing?!”
Troeg lifted his gaze to the moonlight. He silently stood, hefting his sword and in one hand and a small pack in the other. “There is no way we can win this. I’d rather live to see another sunset than die for a lost cause.”
“You too?” Esrek knelt next to the uniform covered in dark soil. “You c-can’t leave me. I …” he fumbled, “I never even k-killed a man. Without you … Don’t leave me again.”
“Father didn’t love me as he did you, Esrek.” Troeg snapped to face him. His voice was deep and harsh. “Besides, there was no wealth in his inheritance. No future.”
I loved you. Esrek wanted to say, but the tears were already coming so he quickly turned away. He couldn’t show his brother. Esrek still loved his brother even though Troeg caused their mother such pain that she fell ill and died a month after he ran away, or that their father grew somber and never smiled again.
“Leave it in the past. Come.” His hand was outstretched towards Esrek. “There’s no hope for Kanta.”
Esrek sat, staring at his battle-hardened fingers. The emptiness grew from behind his chest to envelop his entire body. Nothing could fill it. Kanta was going to loose the battle. Half the army was defecting to fight against it.
“Why?” His voice quivered and shook. “Why are they leaving?”
“To survive.” He paused. “To feed our families.”
“What?”
“They offered me double.” His voice became hushed. “I can’t stand to see my children miss a meal again.”
Esrek choked on the knot in his throat. Greed. All that these men really cared about was money. Even my brother, Troeg.
“But your family lives in Kanta ...” Esrek glared up at Troeg, not caring for the tears gently flowing down his cheeks.
“Don’t lecture me, Esrek.” His face grew stern again.
“You’re willing to fight against your own family?” They were traitors against their king. Traitors against their families.
“I know what I’m doing!” His voice strained. He instinctively brought his hand to the hilt of his sword. “I fight for my family.”
Esrek slowly stood up. He could feel his heart beating faster, harder, louder.
“Which family?” He was shaking.
Troeg stood motionless. His breathing quickened. He brought his eyebrows together into a sharp angle.
It won’t be too difficult for him to abandon his family, like he did mine. And for what? A few extra gold coins, maybe? It would cause just as much pain and hurt to them as he did to our parents.
Esrek glanced at his spear leaning up against his tent. But he couldn’t. He still loved Troeg.
But.
“Enough. If you remain here; then I will not stay my sword on the battlefield.” He was frowning. Troeg was serious. As he always had been.
“Don’t hurt them, the way you did our family,” Esrek sobbed. “The way you did me.”
“Goodbye, little brother.” He shouldered his pack and turned to join the procession of deserters.
A wave of heat began to fill Esrek’s emptiness; coursing through his arms and legs. He grasped his spear, gazing at it with wide eyes. Then in one chaotic motion he stabbed his brother just below the shoulder blade. Troeg coughed blood and fell, yanking the spear out of Esrek’s trembling hands. A silent moment passed between them. Troeg’s eyes grew dim; then alone.
“I’m sorry big brother.” Esrek burst into another stream of tears. Kneeling he cradled Troeg’s head in his quivering arms. “I can’t let you hurt anyone else.”
Another sob.
“I loved you.”

3 comments:

  1. Excellent! I think this is definitely the best version. It all fits together and I really enjoyed your descriptions.

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  2. I concur. Brings it together well. One thought though... what would happen if you were to start the narrative earlier and make the story longer by a couple pages. Maybe there could be a series of events throughout the day that build up the tension and set the stage a more relaxed pace. There's a lot of information in this story that is needed for set-up. What if it could be revealed over a longer period of time. Some scenes could be why Troeg knows the information and Esrek no. Obviously Troeg is the more experienced fighter in general and he's been offered money. When? Also, if Troeg ran away when he was younger, when did they meet up again? Only recently, or within the last couple years? You don't have to make it longer. You've already said this is a final draft, but these were just some ideas that I thought of while I was reading it through this time.

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  3. I agree. Definitely your best draft! I finally feel like I completely understand the characters and their motives. Excellent work!

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