Monday, February 7, 2011

Preview to my first novel: Terror's Prophecy


Chapter 1: The parade

“Make way!” a loud voice boomed over the grand multitude that covered the upper plaza. The large plaza was littered with dark gray cobblestones. The buildings that encased the square were all worn and tattered, but elegant and graceful. The lower level of the buildings had open doors and grand windows displaying their fine and expensive merchandise. Even the butcher shop was stylish with white-stained walls and clean windows, an uncommon sight in the lower plaza.
The upper plaza was packed with people, both upper and lower class. The normal day-to-day tumult of the street quickly quieted down to inspect this interesting event.
“Make way for the great priests of the Clergy of the Gods!”
The crowd slowly began shuffling towards the sides of the road. At the northern end was a group of great horses making their way through the street. The dark brown horses stomped the ground with their unparalleled strength as they paraded down the road, enjoying every moment of attention the onlookers gave them.
The royal guard rode the first three horses. Their tunics were of a dark purple color with gold trim along the hems of the sleeves and at the waist. Upon the chest of the uniform was a white ring that encircled a dark gold crescent moon; it is the symbol of the Clergy. The royal guard each had a white helmet trimmed with gold lining around the edges and the eye slots. I coveted those uniforms, for they were almost identical to the uniform my father wore when he was captain.
Each soldier wielded a tall spear bearing the banner of a different priest. The middle banner was that of the High Priest and ruler of Nanok, Jehdkai. The banner was a dark blue with a white trim. Its symbol resembled a bright gold horse with wings, surrounded by four white crescent moons representing the four great Gods of the world.
But today was not a parade for the High Priest; it was the funeral parade for one of the three priests who died last Monday. A horseman behind the first three guards rode forward with his head lowered in respect. He wore an all white uniform, not a single symbol or colored trim diluted his pure tunic. His white uniform gave him a mysteriously majestic look.
His spear bore the banner of the deceased priest. A simple ring outlined the full width of a black crescent moon on the simple white banner.
A hush fell upon the crowd as this horseman trotted into view. Several men and women bowed their heads in reverence. I took a step back and bowed my head and brought my left hand over my heart in the reverence salute. I didn’t even know his name, yet he was one of the priests of the Clergy and therefore deserved respect.
“Momma, what’s going on momma?” A small boy was tugging at the ragged dress of a middle-aged woman. I could tell that they were among the poor lower class due to their unwashed appearance and their tattered clothing. How can they live in such harsh conditions? My thoughts expressed my bewilderment.
“Hush, my child,” The mother scolded, “It’s the funeral of the Priest, Hedik.” She lifted the child up into her arms so that he could get a better view of the proceeding. The child stared in awe with his mouth wide open. Clerical parades were few, but they always caught the attention of everyone. The last parade was about a great prophesy that the High Priest proclaimed to the city; a prophesy of providence and prosperity.
The guard in white was riding his horse with his left hand in the reverence salute. In the background a single bugle sounded the melody of the Gods. Although very few people personally knew the priest Hedik, everyone was in a somber and sorrowful mood. Even the slender beautiful woman, Yani, next to me was sorrowful.
Yani put her arm around my waist and embraced me. My heart warmed within me and enlightened my body. I was lucky to have her as my own. I turned to look upon her beautiful face. Her light brown hair slowly blew across her face, accentuating her light tan skin. Her royal blue and purple dress blew slowly with the wind. Only the upper class can afford such beautiful cloth and colors. She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed.
The procession continued down the street as eight royal soldiers carried a large golden casket on their shoulders. Many beautifully clad women, who were probably the priest’s concubines, surrounded the soldiers. The royal soldiers and the women each wore pure white clothing. Unlike the funeral clothing for commoners where everyone wears black or some other dark color, the clergy were so honored and sometimes worshiped that only white would befit the mourning of their passing. Each woman carried a candle in her hands, which brightly illuminated the white translucent veils over their faces.
Directly behind the casket came the High priest and his two remaining priests on either side of him. The high priest had on a pure gold robe that covered his entire body. Bright purple trim outlined the robe. He carried a long staff glittered with emeralds and rubies that sent colorful spots of light all over the ground. His aged white long hair hung lifelessly behind his majestic head. A slight receding hairline was visible in the sunlight. Not a single facial hair befouled his unnaturally smooth face. His eyes were deep in their sockets but seemed to burn with a fire of knowledge and determination. He knew his place.
“All hail the High Priest!” a royal guard bellowed out over the crowd. The people stepped back and kneeled on the stone floor in respect. Yani let go and bent her knee also. I quickly followed and bowed my head in reverence.
I still wonder what makes him so important besides the fact that he is the High Priest. My thoughts began to invade my respect towards the clergy. I realized it and suppressed those controversial ideas.
The procession continued with more guards followed by a score of clergymen. The crowd rose up and continued watching the parade. The gloomy feeling of death soon lifted off the crowd and off the parade and presented a slightly more pleasant sensation. Yani leaned against me tighter as I put my arm around her soft shoulder. I could tell that something was on her mind.
The group of clergymen was followed by another small group of royal horses. A royal guard bore a new banner that flowed in the wind. The banner was of pure green with a small purple outline. Two golden rings were interlocked in the middle of the banner. A large black crescent moon tilted over one of the rings and cast its shadow over the other ring. The clergy was ever fond of symbolism in the slightest of details, but this symbol was different and I couldn’t grasp an idea of its meaning as I was able to do with several military symbols.
A horn sounded stirring the horses for a second until the guards regained control. “Behold ye citizens of Nanock!” A horseman rode out in front of the others. This man had a dark green cloak with the same moon and rings on his chest. He raised his arm to point backwards. “Behold the new Priest of Nanock! Priest Sedori”
The group fell silent. The horses parted and allowed a man clad in the priestly white robes with a green trim to trot forward on his horse. He had motionless black hair that added a sleek feeling to his personage. His face was also unaltered by facial hair, but it didn’t seem as smooth as the high priest’s. He had dark brown eyes, which was very rare here in the city of Nanok. His nose was sharp but it was slightly bent to the right. The jaw was rounded up near the ears, but then jutted inward until it reached his chin.
His face was expressionless, but I could see in his eyes a joy of a longing that has finally been fulfilled. He raised his hand high and waved to the crowd. He held himself with high esteem and arrogance. Something pricked within my chest and a chill ran down my spine; I would like to meet this man one day.
Yani squeezed harder and pressed her head harder against my shoulder. I leaned my head on hers and gave out a quiet sigh.
The priest named Sedori trotted forward and out of view followed by the other royal horses. The procession ended and the multitude resumed their day-to-day business in the streets. But there was a constant conversation about the diseased priest and the newly appointed one. Kids began running around again and the noise of the street resumed like it was ten minutes before.
“Sej Yed,” Yani looked up into my eyes.
“Yes?” I said softly.
“Do you believe in the Gods and the prophesies of the Clergy?” her question was piercing. The last time I had to answer this question was when I began my military service six years ago. “I have not heard you talk about your dealings with the Clergy besides your military service.”
“Well,” I paused, pondering on whether or not I would tell her the truth or bend it. “… I used to not believe for a long time. But now I do.”
“What helped you change?”
“As you know, last year, I was injured in the great battle of Tapiacha and was told that I would loose my leg in order to save my life.” I paused, a brief flash back of pain and memory flooded into my mind of when a spear embedded itself into my leg just beneath my left knee. I winced from the memory of the unspeakable pain.
“Yeah?”
“I asked the Clergy then, and received a prophesy that came true.” I gestured to my left leg and lifted it up to show how it is perfectly fine now.
She smiled and hugged me tighter; “That is good, because I believe with all my heart. The Gods have kept me happy these last few weeks…” she paused, then added; “by leading me to you.” She smiled again warming my heart considerably.
The conversation continued as usual. I couldn’t help but imagine how fantastic the time will be when we are married. My heart smiled within me as I formulated a plan to ask for her hand.

4 comments:

  1. Not bad yos. How did you come up with the story line? I think you shared PLENTY of color descriptions. I'm eerily irked and intrigued by the new Priest. Hmmm...way to hook me in for Chapter 2! Love you bro.

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  2. Fun fun bro. two simple comments - 4thish paragraph: "Upon the chest of the uniform was a white ring ... dark gold crescent moon - the symbol of the Clergy." maybe cut out the "it is the ..." when describing the symbol, just BAM! the symbol of the clergy

    and second, mispelling? - pararaph just before Yani calls out "Sej Yed" it states: But there was a constant conversation about the diseased priest and the newly appointed one.

    Do you mean deceased or diseased?

    I like the set up of the book, drawing me into the mysterious nature of the Clergy and the apparent hypocritical white dress with the concubines and such... but the inner turmoil of your protagonist, Sej Yed, already looking to play a part. The one thing that was hard to follow and maybe because I didn't soak it in were all the many many symbols thrown at me of the various priests and things. Lots of rings and crescent moons and such. Looking forward to seeing if these will make more sense to me later on. Work it bro!

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  3. Hey Scott! Noticed this on Facebook. Sounds interesting. I have a few pieces of advice for you though. First off, avoid passive voice. I suggest that you high light all of the being verbs in your writing and then changing the ones you can to action verbs. It keeps the reader engaged.

    Secondly, decide what kind of voice you want to use for the narrator. When you start using the first person narrative you start using more poetic language. I suggest that you keep the language more to the point, less poetic, or else you run the risk of sounding too flowery.

    For descriptions, I enjoyed your visualizations, but I suggest you use the other senses as well. Touch and smell can be very powerful tools as well. Metaphors are also great for helping readers visualize. It's difficult for the imagination to put together a step by step description - metaphors help the process. It is easier for me to imagine that a man's face has the expression of a pug than for me to imagine the lines of his jaw and the direction of the crook in his nose.

    Anyway, I thought I'd just hand off some tips I've learned from personal experience and classes. If you get the chance, take Creative Writing (from Emily Dyer, if she's still teaching!). That class helped me in a lot of ways.

    Take care! And I wish you good writing!

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  4. Hey Scott!
    I love it. It's a lot more laid back than your previous beginning, the which I consider a plus. Knowing what I know about the story, which I'm sure has changed since I last heard it, this does a great job of setting things up. I'd even keep it up and have a longer first chapter. Perhaps that could help us get to know our main character better.

    It's been mentioned about the voice used and I have to agree that 1 it's a little passive and 2 you threw me off at the beginning. The first "I" is in the middle of the fourth paragraph, just far enough away to make the reader say "huh, I thought this was a 3rd person omniscient narrator." Maybe part of what could make the beginning longer would be to describe Sej Yed's place in the crowd. Is he sitting on a balcony (rich)? Next to the poor boy (poor)? Nearby (in between)? How did he get there? Was he taking Yani out of a date to lunch? Also, if this is 1st person narrative, some descriptions don't make as much sense.
    For instance
    "Even the slender beautiful woman, Yani, next to me was sorrowful."
    would be more likely narrated from a 1st person perspective as
    "Even Yani, the slender beautiful woman next to me, was sorrowful."
    or something like it.

    That's what I think anyway. But overall very good description and set up of the plot. Sometimes, I notice with Leo Tolstoy, one defining and unique characteristic, either facial or personality-based, does more to make a character than several minor details. Now, it seems like most of your details do have reasons, so that's okay. Just thinking out loud.

    On a side note, I read a book recently called Children of the Star by Sylvia Louise Engdahl that has some similar themes, initially at least, that I would recommend checking out. Children of the Star is actually a trilogy, so you can also just look up the first book called "This Star Shall Abide." A very good series.

    Sweet, I look forward to reading more. Lots more! And maybe you could draw a map, scan it, and put it up too!

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