Chapter 1: The Parade (FIRST PERSON PRESENT TENSE)
The upper plaza is always busy. Full of overly fed merchants, poorly dressed and groomed peasants, and several lords and ladies with our servants doing our bidding. Mine is slowly weaving his way in and out of the crowd towards the plaza’s best butcher. I could always count on Edik; not only to be a servant who finds the best and cheapest deals, but as one I could trust, with my life. He is more than a servant; he is like the father I never knew.
I take a moment to survey the commotion at the north entrance of the plaza. Another clerical parade. How can they be so prideful so as to show off their banners and their control over the city almost every week?
No, they are not prideful. They usually do have logical reasons for their ceremonies, especially when I myself don’t understand them.
Yani still has not noticed the upcoming parade. She is still talking about the illogical stories she always seems to read about. Something about a hero of old who saved so-and-so and deserves more recognition then he got. I still do not understand how she is so fascinated by these things, let alone how she can talk for hours on end about them.
“… he brought the smaller tribes together under one banner.” She continues her story, “It is strange to think that he lived before the time of the Prophet, and yet there is clear evidence that the Gods must have granted him the power to bring peace to the warring tribes of old.”
I force myself to look interested as I nod. Despite these immensely boring conversations I still find myself longing to be with her. To touch her arm, her face, her hair. To give her a gentle kiss.
Of course I can never bring myself to do any of that. I am not good enough. Or better said, I am much more carnal and natural than she is. How can she be so spiritual in this physical world. It pushes her away from the world and therefore from me.
A trumpet sounds from the parade. In order to not show Yani that I knew about the upcoming parade and therefore did not listen to her yammering, I slightly jump at the sound of the trumpet.
She stops her story and looks towards the sound. Her eyes twinkling with wonderment and awe. She truly does love the clergy and the spiritual side of everything.
“Make way!” the loud voice began to echo over the bustle of the crowd.
...
Chapter 1: The Parade (LIMITED THIRD PERSON)
The upper plaza was busy as usual. It was full of merchants, peasants, and several lords with their servants off to their masters’ biddings. One of these nobles, Sej Yed, stood by a beautiful woman in the midst of the crowd. He sent his servant to purchase the best meat from the butcher. He is the best servant I have ever had, thought Sej. He is like the father I wish I knew. I could trust him with more than my life.
The crowd up near the opening of the plaza began shuffling away from colorful clerical banners. It was going to be another clerical parade or ceremony. Yani didn’t notice, so Sej acted as though he didn’t see anything. She continued to ramble on about ancient heroes. Endless and boring histories.
Now she was talking about one of the founders of Nanok. It didn’t matter to Sej about what happened to people he has never met before, nor will ever meet. How could Yani expect him to be interested in this?
“…it is strange to think that he lived before the prophet, and yet there is clear evidence that the Gods must have granted him the power to bring peace to the warring tribes…” he forced himself to listen to her sweet voice. He smiled and nodded.
A trumpet sounded and stopped Yani in mid story. Sej secretly let out a sigh of relief. The crowd quickly quieted down. Clerical parades were frequent, but usually had some significance such that it would affect the normal day-to-day life of these dirty peasants.
“Make way!” the voice echoed over the bustle of the crowd.
...
Between these two, I'd take the first. It comes out stronger I think in revealing the character of Sej. He comes off like an okay guy in need of a character arc.
ReplyDeleteOne note though: aim to show me more than you tell me. I've once been told that readers are unbelievers: they rarely believe what they can't see. Descriptions like "prideful," "boring," "spiritual," physical," "carnal," or "I force myself to look interested," are okay, but I can't really SEE them. It's just a general note and I'm not saying you need to change those particular things, it's just that I've noticed that a lot of people don't think in those terms; they more often notice things that they phrase in such a way so as to make obvious their opinion on the matter, if that makes sense.
Also, I noticed in your poll the "Story within a Story" option. Sounds interesting, like meeting Sej halfway through his adventure at some critical moment only to leave us hanging and take us back to the beginning. That can be quite cliff-hangerish if done right. Is that what you meant? However you end up doing it, I'm sure it'll be cool. Keep it up!
I've never personally been a big fan of first person present tense, but apparently, that is the major trend in Young Adult (YA) fiction nowadays (e.g., Hunger Games, Matched). So I would say that if your main protagonist is 18 or younger and will remain so for the length of the novel, you're writing a YA piece, and FP present would probably work well for the audience.
ReplyDeleteI like Third Person limited better though as a reader. Most epic fantasy and science fiction is written in that style, and it just feels more familiar to me. So I guess it's all about your intended audience.